Can’t see the woods for the trees
Byron Katie says that “all sadness is a tantrum”
Maybe it is.
But when I’m feeling profound sadness, it doesn’t feel like a tantrum, it feels like a silent, paralysing weight that is drowning me slowly.
This isn’t depression (I have suffered with devastating PND); as I float quickly back to the surface once it starts to clear and I can breathe again; it’s just… Overwhelming Sadness, the “black dog” that comes to pay a visit and hangs around for a short few days.
I feel blessed: this only lands on me once or twice a year, and I’m strangled for three or four days, then back to myself. The bit that always gets me is that, I don’t feel it’s insidious grip until I’ve hit rock bottom; until I’m being a horrible, horrible person; until I start imagining divorce, running away; when I make myself sad with my thoughts and I feel I can’t dig my way out.
Maybe it is a tantrum.
Maybe I need to mentally stamp my feet and howl incoherently. Maybe I need that energetic shake up. Maybe I’m overwhelmed because I don’t take care of myself enough, even though, when I’m “normal” I couldn’t be happier, and feel supported and loved.
I know I’m not alone in feeling like this: does it ever hit you? Do you practice “self care”? Please tell me, and inspire me with how you take care of yourself (for I know it is “an inside job”) 🙂
Today’s post is part of the Moods of Motherhood blogging carnival celebrating the launch of the second edition of Moods of Motherhood: the inner journey of mothering by Amazon bestselling author, Lucy H. Pearce (published by Womancraft Publishing).
Today over 40 mothers around the world reflect on the internal journey of motherhood: raw, honest and uncut. To see a list of the other contributors and to win your own copy visit Dreaming Aloud.net
I can so relate to these feelings. I went through this in May. And it isn’t depression but definitely sadness. I usually try to go do something by myself that I enjoy. I spend more time praying & talking to God. And sometimes ask others for prayer. When I’m not nursing, I try to go away by myself for a day or two. Please tell me the next time you are feeling like this because I can totally relate.
Emily, this is a beautiful post.The most moving one I have read. In my humble opinion,it isn’t a tantrum. It’s a very sane and rational and compassionate call to acknowledge real human feelings and emotions that we all share and experience but are sometimes too fearful or ashamed to admit to. Here’s to our humanity, to our shared experience of being human. And as for how do I practise self care-well, often very poorly! 😉 but I think finding time for yourself is the golden and often elusive key. Sending you love and light x
You are not alone in this Emily, and I agreed those thoughts can drag you down and you have to find it from somewhere within yourself to fight against them and think the “happy” thoughts. For me its like being cut adrift on an open sea with no anchor or at other times being caught underwater and struggling to surface. Self care is important I have realised, (the key being SELF) head space, me time, whatever you call it and connecting, connecting with like minded accepting people with positive attitudes. Also acknowledging the black days, giving yourself a break and taking a duvet day, sofa day some sort of switch off and grunge day. Laughter too in whatever form you can create it, tickling your children, watching a funny movie, a bottle of wine with a friend. And then its gone again and the world is brighter, maybe its our bodies ying yang way of balancing it all out, all those happy moments and the good life feelings need a little dark I guess to put them in perspective.
I suspect that we all get the dark/sad/down times, whether they last for an hour, a day or even longer, be they from sadness or whatever. Sometimes we have no idea why theses “times” have come to visit.
A tool that I find very useful is to “give yourself permission” to be sad, vexed, or just simply feeling “black”. Own it by telling others that you are not good at the minute and need some space to do whatever feels right at that time for you.
Check in with your body and see what does it want to do at that moment in time and then honour it and do just that. If that means sitting and doing nothing, then “give yourself permission” to do just that.
It gives the body and mind time to rest and recharge and that is healing.
This, like any healing, can take a little time to practice, but it gets easier and easier.
You are honouring “you” and that is always a good way to live your life.
Oh Emily, it is not easy to always mind ourselves, life gets busy and it can be difficult to put our needs first….it’s good that it doesn’t last and it is great that you recognise it for what it is. I have no advice, no wisdom for you but I know this feeling, and it is not nice. Sending you love and hoping you’ll be back in your happy place very soon xx
Emily I know exactly what you mean. At time all coping mechanisms break down and I feel weary. Weary of effort, of parenting of life. It is transitory but unpleasant, as am I when it happens. In fact just last night I think I peaked for this year, I even had to ban myself from social media over the past few days.
Hang in there partner, we’ll be well past this by Xmas!
Oh Emily you have described so well a feeling that i fight all too often and like you I don’t realise how much I’m drowning in it until I hit the bottom, like that it only hits now and again but it hits hard and takes a while to climb back to the surface. I think we spend so much time trying to stay positive that it’s ok to have a few days were we are anything but! Get it all out and you will start to feel lighter again, surround yourself with warm wonderful positive things and give yourself time for just you even if it’s just for a moment to breathe and breathe deep.. Xx
The thing is, you are aware that you have these moods, and that in itself is a really strong place to start. I find doing something for myself, that’s entirely mine, helps. And meditation helps too by binding e in the present. I dance salsa and have started back recently. I also use my one moment meditation app, which is only a minute long so that it’s not overwhelming either. ((hugs))
Incredibly honest post. I have these moments, and I find it helpful to write what makes me happy and what I want for myself and the boys. These can be huge, philosophical ideals or just simple things like reading together more. There’s no one,”correct” way to cope; sometimes it’s just about waiting to it to pass I suppose. Hugs x
I find this true to home, it is after taking me 5 years to come outside the door on my own , I have been constantly bullied all these years and it got so bad I tried to kill myself last year, the caretaker made my life hell, the land lord said to my dad i had a mental problem and that I needed some help , just because I was the youngest, and a woman in a village of drinkers. I did have a breakdown and got help and although this still goes on I can walk by as I joined a lot of groups to keep me outside of village, and have moved on. Monday last was my first step outside and joined slimming world, started walking any Thursday went to meditation group, in the evening. This is all new beginnings for me. Emily has
Helped me so much ,I have joined up all the groups she puts up on Facebook related to what I like, so my days are kept busy now all the time ,without time to fester. !! Thank you so muchxx
The days getting shorter doesn’t help either, I think. Hope it passes soon. Lovely photos and painting, Emily. Can’t offer you any advice, I’m afraid, but I’m thinking of you and sending good thoughts. Take care xxx
I can relate. It’s especially hard when you begin to think they’d all be better off without me and my moods. I just wait it out. I know it will pass – it always does – but it’s shitty in the extreme when it hits you.
Wonderful Wagon, it really is such a feckin curse. Love to you xxx
Joanna, Thank you xxxx thankfully, it has passed and I can see the woods AND the trees now 🙂 xx
Yvonne, BUCKETS of love and peace to you xxxxxx
Thanks April xxx writing makes it clearer and makes sense of it, rather than it being this abstract fuzzy “thing” in the corner!
Thank you Muuka, going to check out that app right now! I keep telling myself to meditate, and then arguing (with myself, no less) that I don’t have the TIME to do it, that sounds perfect xx
Thank you Sara xxxxx
Tric, it’s rotten isn’t it? I have resurfaced thankfully (a social media ban is a great idea…) and hopefully won’t dip for a long time to come!
Thank you Elizabeth xxxx
Monica, thank you xxx that’s just wonderful advice, I will be using that regularly 🙂 xxx
True Colleen, that’s exactly that! Its the acknowledging and giving myself a break that I need to work on 🙂
Thank you Nicola, that really touched me xxx love and light to you too xxx
Thank you Erin xxx isn’t it so silly; when in the middle of it, you imagine you are the only one to ever feel like this. Love to you xxx
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Oh Emily! I am sorry to hear you are low. I am prone to bouts of melancholia too. It can be crippling. I have no answers as I tend to live mostly in a tizzy of chasing my tail trying to fit as much into my one precious life as possible and then find myself low without realising it. Much love to you, my dear. I hope it passes soon. xxx
That sounds like me too Sadhbh! Love back at ya xx
Oh Emily, you put such beautiful words on such a not-so-beautiful feeling. I feel this sometimes and used to make it all worse by fighting it. I couldn’t understand why I would feel like this when I have so much to make me happy. Best thing I ever did was to stop fighting the current. When I realise I am in the grip of it I relax and completely accept it, for there is no rationale for what I feel. I find when I stop struggling and fighting I can get free from it a lot quicker and swim back to the surface again. I also tend to tell one or two people close to me so they can understand what they are dealing with. Hugs to you and thanks for such a beautiful and honest post. xx
Naomi, thank you xx
You describe it so beautifully, for something that isn’t lovely at all. I get down due to my circumstances, but I’m loathe to call it depression, because that can happen regardless. Because I am stuck I need chemical help from time to time, to help me keep going, but the usual things also help: a walk on the beach, laughing with friends, eating chocolate, and counting my blessings, which as I think you know, I do on the blog every week. Best of luck and hope it passes soon xxx
Thank you Candi! it’s really hard when circumstances dictate 🙁 I am in awe of your strength and how you always seems so good natured in the face of difficulty. Health and happiness to you xxx
Beautiful post Emily.I can understand why it’s resonated with so many people. It’s hard to keep you head above the water at all times.Life is a gift but it is also a struggle and we shouldn’t be afraid to hide those feelings of doubt,sadness and uncertainty. Fair play to you for sharing this and hope you feel better soon.xx
Thanks Aedin xx
I unfortunately felt like this all the time and was diagnosed with depression but I am on the road to recovery and only feel like this rarely thank goodness for me walking and spending time in my garden were the things that pulled me though that and my kids. Thank you Emily for talking about it and giving it a voice, more of us should.
Sorry to hear that Amberjane 🙁 I think being *outside* is a major factor for me too, vitamin d and fresh air! Xxx
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